First year tests positive for bubonic plague, negative for COVID-19

The following material is completely satirical and completely imaginary.

Amid the rise of COVID-19 cases on campus, many students are undergoing PCR and rapid antigen tests to prevent the spread of the virus. A student from the Class of 2027, although he tested negative for COVID-19, tested positive for bubonic plague, also known as the “Black Death.”

Ann Tezin, a spokeswoman for McCosh Health Center, commented on the “unprecedented disease.”

“Our top priority on campus is to prevent the spread of coronavirus,” he said. “We are relieved that this student has tested negative for COVID, which advances our goal.”

The ill student explained that they are still expected to “attend all classes” and “Zoom does not count.” Furthermore, the university would not provide them with isolation housing, advising their three quad-mates to “try not to breathe too much when you’re in the dorm” and “sleep facing away from the sick roommate.”

Editor’s note: All four roommates have tested positive for bubonic plague at the time of publication.

In an up close, personal and masked interview with The Daily PrintsAnything, the victimized student expressed his anger towards the university and its policies.

,[Cough] Yes, I’m not doing very well, I mean the plague sucks, but the most annoying thing is that my writing semester professor won’t give me an extension on my D2. [cough], He said it would have been different if I had COVID-19. He added, “I guess at least I can’t taste the dining hall food anymore.”

Editor’s note: At the time of publication all Daily Prints Anything employees have tested positive for bubonic plague. cough.

Amid concerns of plague infection among students, university administrators have issued a statement, reminding students “not to let the plague affect your academic performance during midterm week.”

Spencer Bauman is the humor editor in chief and a junior in the Department of Chemical and Biological Engineering. He has decided that he will not take any of his midterm sessions if there are irregularities in the exam question papers. He can be reached at [email protected].

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